A really good friend of mine recently shared her daughter’s bout with separation anxiety. I witnessed it first-hand, actually. We participated in a March of Dimes walk this past Saturday and as soon as sweet little Maya looked at me, she quickly turned into her mom’s knees and shoved her head directly in between. I promised her I wouldn’t take her picture, but apparently, that wasn’t the real issue. She didn’t want to think for one second her mom was going to walk away from her and leave her with *gasp* me!
I’m dealing with separation anxiety right now. Well, the reverse. My world feels as though it’s been turned upside-down because I haven’t seen my sweet boy since Friday morning. I hesitate to bemoan the arrangements we have in place for Connor, but I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t break my ever-loving heart to be away from him for days at a time.
Maya finally warmed up to me on Saturday night and sat on my lap for what felt like an hour. It was precious … to smell her; to touch my cheek to her hair; to cuddle with her petite little self. It was a glaring reminder of the fact that Connor is my heart.
The sun shines and I wish he could be here so we could play catch or draw on the sidewalk, or just sit so I could touch my cheek to his hair. When it rains, I wish I could be sitting outside watching him practice t-ball just for the sake of being able to see him; to feel the pride that comes inherently with being his mom. Instead, the rain prevents me from seeing him; from experiencing that feeling.
But, for now, I fill my time with (good) distractions to avoid the pain. I have very little down time, on purpose. My hope is that, as time goes on, it will hurt less to be away and I will find a balance with those distractions. I will still miss him immensely. I don’t think that will change. But I hope that we can talk more and find ways to enjoy each other while not taking away from the time the other parent certainly deserves. This is just the part that I knew would hurt, and to be honest, it hurts more than I ever thought it could.
The good news is that tomorrow I will see him; I will feel the joy that I know is missing right now once more. Thankfully, each day is new but each day with him is just … well, better.