I had the opportunity to witness a ‘drop the mic’-like situation happen at work this week. We were nearing the conclusion of our monthly all-staff meeting. And it was one for the books. The energy was awesome, people were engaged and we just had some really great content shared throughout. Also, on another positive note, I’d only been made fun of about six times (which is basically par for the course #easytarget). But when Mike (our office lead, aka big cheese) concluded the meeting with an acknowledgement that we have a choice to make, it struck me. It wasn’t just about work for me. It was about all the things.

I just had to re-read my trust issues post because I’m there again. And as I read that and contemplated Mike’s words, I realized that I’m one of those seasons that feels reminiscent of those in the pre-Guatemala 2014 era. Like, eww. And again, I find myself asking the Lord, ‘why?’

And again, it’s just me.

You know how your mom told you when you point a finger at someone you’re actually pointing three fingers back at yourself? Well, the verdict’s in. She was right all along. I’m not leaning in. Mike talked about how we can lean in, we can remain neutral or we can lean away. And I can assure you that I’m pushing the h-e-double hockey sticks away because I just can’t let go of the fear of what I can’t see and in the same vein, the need to control that in any way I can (as if I even know). Aren’t those the very things that kill our ability to trust? Aren’t we just basically control freaks freaking the heck out? I’m thinking maybe … likely, yes. At least for me.

My most amazing, admired, inspiring spiritual mentor sent me something today that I want you to read at least seven times. It was brilliant. Like, brilliant. And so true.

When I feel afraid, it’s because I have let go of your hand.

I let go. I let go over and over again because I’m all, ‘no, I got this. i’m sure you don’t want this and i don’t want to bother you with my thing because everybody else’s thing is way more important. but really, i’ll figure it out.’ And I just can’t. And it’s possible to say that fear is literally eating me for breakfast right now. And I’m afraid that even that level of vulnerability will make it hurt all the more. But here’s some truth. I can’t change that. My DNA keeps shouting at me to give and to give more and to love and to love even more. So, I probably will continue to do that and I may continue to hurt as a result. And I’ll get judged and mocked and whatever.

But, I know I’m not the only one. I know there are others that have the same heart because (and this is super bold to say and not at all arrogant so please don’t take it that way) that’s the heart Jesus had. And I just want to be like that. I often recall when my good friend Gary encouraged me to do something because I’d felt a push to do it. That simple act of obedience and possible sacrifice was what it was about, even more than the act itself. He sent me the passage about Jesus’ time in the Garden of Gethsemane. He prayed three times for God to show Him another way to complete the work He came to do, but He also made it clear that if that’s what the Lord wanted, He was willing to be the sacrifice. To be. Not to make, but to be.

In those moments, when I have that realization, I reach out for His hand with tears and say, ‘thank you. you didn’t deserve that. and i certainly don’t deserve the gift. and i’m sorry. once again, i’m sorry i ever let go.’

And I’ll hang on. And I’ll pray that I hang on a little tighter and for a little longer this time. Because every time I lean in, I remember how he’s carried me through every difficult season thus far. It doesn’t take away the pain. And it doesn’t mean I won’t feel it again. But knowing that He felt the same things … looking for God to fulfill His plan while at the same time seeking any way to avoid the suffering if it was an option, reminds me just how human He was. And then I realize that He truly is for me. And that’s what I need the most.